Heart Realize
by thekawaiiblowfish
Summary: Nitori suffers from Anxiety Disorder but has always pushed it away thinking there was someway to just ignore it; but during his first two years at Samezuka he's finally realizing just how real it ough he realizes that there's something eating at his roommate, and Nitori is going to help him anyway he can; even if that means putting his feelings and troubles second to Rin's.
1. Chapter 1

_"I know there's a stigma around medication, but there's nothing wrong with taking it."_

Nitori shook the bottle a bit, listening to the sound the pills made. He thumbed over the label a few times before placing it on his desk.

_"I'll give you a small dosage for now; take it when you feel a panic attack coming on. It should help calm you down."_

He never thought it would get to the point that he needed medicine to calm him down. He couldn't remember why it got that bad in the first place.

_"I know it's going to be hard when you're at Samezuka, but remember that it's okay to let everything out every now and then. If you need to cry then cry! Your roommate will understand."_

His therapist probably would have said something different if she actually saw who his roommate was. His roommate was a 5'10 shark, and he definitely did not look like the understanding type.

He had always been okay with holding it in, though. If he had to hold it in until he graduated, so be it.

Nitori's school days consisted of the three S's: Sleeping, Studying, and Swimming. Half the time he only fit studying and swimming in, but hey, who actually slept during high school anyway?

His therapist was right; Samezuka was hard at first, but Nitori was glad we decided to attend. He didn't mind that he had to stay up late to get in some extra studying or wake up early to get in a jog in before classes; it was all worth it in the end because he finally got to pursue his love for swimming at the school who was known as a swimming powerhouse.

He stared at the pills on his desk, feeling a bit proud of himself that he hadn't opened it once in since he started school. It had only been three months, but that was still something to be proud of. Even though he felt proud of himself, there was no way he was going to let his roommate find out about his problem.

Rin Matsuoka was interesting to say the least. He seemed like such a tough guy, with the shark teeth and all, but Nitori knew there had to be a soft side to him. He didn't know much about his roommate, but he was determined to find out. Nitori would bring up his family once and awhile to see if it would get Rin to talk about his. It only worked about half the time, but Niori had found about that he had a younger sister that went to Iwatobi High School, and he spent a good portion of his life in Australia for swimming.

"You swim, senpai? How come you haven't joined the swim team?"

"Not really my thing,"

"But you went to Australia! Captain would love to have someone like-"

"Drop it," Rin got up from his place on his bunk and grabbed his towel, "I'm gonna go take a shower."

Nitori was taken out of his thoughts when he heard the door open; he quickly put his pills in one of the drawers of his desk.

Rin walked in, towel on top of his head, raising an eyebrow at Nitori, "Are you still studying? It's like nine."

"Sorry, senpai, I'm almost done."

"Stop with the senpai thing, " Rin mumbled.

"Senpai, about what I said earlier-"

"It's fine,"

"I'm sorry if I struck a nerve or something, but I still think that you should consider joining the team!"

"Drop it," Rin said, glearing at Nitori.

Nitori was a bit taken back; he mumbled a sorry and turned back to the homework on his desk. There was something going on his with his roommate, and he was going to get to the bottom of it.

He took a mental note of where he put his medication; he anticipated that it would be needed down the road.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: ahhhhh you guys are so sweet with the faves and comments! Sorry this is so short, but I hope you enjoy!**

"Senpai," Nitori yawned, "Where are you going? Curfew was an hour ago."

It was Monday night, and Rin had just put on jeans and a t-shirt and was about to leave the dorm. Nitori was going to try to stop him, the consequences of being out late were not worth it, but he knew that he wouldn't be able to.

"I'll be back in an hour. Cover for me, okay?"

Nitori mumbled a reply, and once the door shut he rolled onto his side and tried to fall asleep. He groaned realizing that he wouldn't be able to sleep knowing that Rin was out doing god knows what.

"I really don't think Senpai is into drugs…" Nitori whispered as he considered what Rin was out doing.

He was taken out of his thoughts, hearing his phone vibrating from the nightstand. He groggily walked down the ladder and over to answer his phone.

"Hello?"

"Rin?"

_Shit shit shit shit shit, not your phone idiot_ "Ahhh Matsuoka-senpai isn't here right now,"

"Senpai? Oh, you must be his roommate. This is his little sister, Kou!"

"He said your name was Gou,"

"IT'S KOU," That's when Nitori decided that she was probably just as scary as Rin.

"Well, um, Matsuoka-senpai isn't in, and I really shouldn't be answering his phone."

"Calm down I won't tell him that you answered his phone, I promise! I just wanted to see if he took my advice and went to his old swim club."

Nitori hadn't realized just how tight he was holding the phone or how quick his breaths were; he took a deep breath and closed his eyes, "Senpai went to his old swim club?"

"I told him that some of this old buddies were going there to see it before it was torn down. I'm hoping that once he's reunited with his old friends he won't be so grumpy."

Nitori kept glancing towards the door, "Look Kou-chan, I really shouldn't be talking on senpai's phone! Maybe he'll call you when he gets back. It was nice speaking to you."

"You t-" Nitori didn't even let the girl finish as he hung up the phone and placed the phone where it was. He quickly went back to his bunk and buried himself underneath his covers.

So many questions flooded his mind; he wished that Rin would open up more so he could he at least give some advice. His years in therapy made him want to help people, or at least try to.

Just as he was about to fall asleep, the door was opened and then slammed shut. Rin had come back, and Nitori could tell he was mad.

"Fucking Haru and his friends. Goddammit," Rin took his anger out on the ladder of the bunks and kicked it.

Nitori made a noise, he wasn't expecting Rin to come back this mad. Gou had been wrong with her prediction; if anything what she did made her brother even more grumpy.

"Shit, sorry Nitori. I forgot you were here."

"No, it's fine Senpai! Um, did something happen while you were out? Do you wanna talk about it?"

Rin sighed, "You don't want to hear me ramble about my problems,"

_I used to think the same thing_ "I don't mind! It would probably make you feel a lot better."

"We have classes in the morning, and it's getting late," Nitori swore that he heard Rin's voice crack, "But if the offers still there in the morning, I'll let you hear me ramble. Night"

"Night, Senpai."


	3. Chapter 3

Since then things got better between the roommates; Rin starting opening up to Nitori about his life, and Nitori was always there to listen. He didn't care if he was about to fall asleep and Rin just started talking; he was just glad that they started to get along.

But with that came feelings...feelings that made Nitori anxious. He knew for a long time that he had feelings for guys (and he's pretty sure that's one of the reasons why his anxiety got bad in the first place) but this was Rin, his roommate. Nitori could deal with the feelings, but seeing the guy that caused them every day? Plus, even though Nitori was extremely happy about Rin finally joining the swim team, he had to deal with Rin (who was half naked) and focus on this swimming. The mere thought made his chest feel tight and his body shake. Why did it have to be him?

Nitori wished that he could smack his head against a wall and his feelings would be gone. He just wanted to hug and kiss Rin and cuddle after swim practice until they fell asleep, but there was no way Nitori had the courage to actually go up to Rin and say anything.

They had just gotten back training on the island, and Rin had dragged Nitori to the pool. The tournament was coming out soon, and Rin wanted to get some last minute training in. Nitori sat on the edge of the pool, feet in the water, as he timed Rin; he could feel his heart beating in his chest every time Rin made it back over to him.

"If you swim like that at the tournament you'll definitely make it to the next round!"

Rin lifted himself out of the water and sat next to Nitori, "You think so?"

"Of course, Senpai!"

"Hopefully I'm fast enough to beat Haru," He muttered.

"Is that why you're only swimming free? Senpai-"

"I have to prove myself," Rin interrupted.

"To who? You've already beaten Haru, so I don't understand why you want to race him again."

Rin's hand grabbed his and held it tightly, "My dad died when I was really young; it was so long ago I can barely remember his face."

Nitori squeezed his hand, telling him it was okay to go on, "He always wanted to be an Olympic swimmer, but he never got to do it. I want to live out his dream."

"I can't say I know how you feel," Nitori smiled, "But I know you'll get to the Olympics!"

Rin look at him in disbelief; when was the last time someone was this nice to him? Ever since he came back from Australia all he wanted to focus on was his dream, but right now all he could focus on was the feeling of their hands holding each other.

Nitori looked at their hands and tried to let go but was stopped when Rin's other hand cupped his cheek. Nitori felt his face start to hear up and started looking for a way out.

"No, don't," Rin whispered and placed his lips on Nitori's.

Rin smelled like chlorine and tasted like it too; Nitori let go of his hand so he could wrap both arms around Rin's neck. Rin's hand found its way to his back, pulling him closer.

Holy shit, I'm kissing Rin Matsuoka. Nitori pushed him away before Rin could deepen their kiss; he started to take quick breaths and felt his chest start to tighten.

"Nitori, shit, you're shaking. I'm sorry, okay, just calm down." Rin reached out to him, but Nitori quickly backed away.

"I'm gonna go back to the dorm."

"Nitori, wait, let me go with you."

"No!" Nitori yelled, "I'm fine!"

Kissing made things complicated, and Nitori knew that. The moment their lips met was the moment things we're going to get complicated and their friendship would be ruined. Kissing always made things complicated, and Nitori didn't know how to deal with complicated.

His hands were shaking as he opened his door; he quickly went over to to his desk, shuffling through it.

"Where did I put it?" Notebooks and folders ended up on the ground around him as he searched for the only thing that was going to get him through this.

His whole body was shaking at this point as he tried to open the bottle. Once he did and quickly took a pill and threw the bottle into a random drawer. He didn't bother to clean up the mess; all he wanted to do now was hide under his blankets and never come out. He wished that he could sleep forever.

"Nit-What the hell happened?" Nitori heard the door open a couple minutes after he buried himself in his bed. He heard Rin sigh and start picking things off the ground.

"Nitori I'm sorry, can we talk about this?" Rin waited a few minutes for a reply, "Shit, he must be asleep."

Nitori hadn't fallen asleep yet; he was still a crying, shaking mess under his comforter.

So much for holding it in until graduation.


	4. Chapter 4

They never talked about it.

It had been a couple weeks since the incident, and Nitori was a wreck. Was he suppose to say something? Would Rin even want to talk about it? What would happen if they did talk about it?

All these questions rattled through his brain, and even though he truly doesn't know he still puts the same thing in his mind: _No, Rin doesn't care. He's not talking about it because he thinks you're annoying._

This added more stress to Nitori, who was trying to deal with the pressure of doing good in the tournament. Day after Day Nitori found himself going to his medication for relief, and when the tournament came around he had run out. He felt like too much of a failure to call his therapist and ask for a different medicine that would help him not feel so anxious, and there was no way he was going to call his parents and ask them to refill his medicine.

Nitori thought he could handle all, but he should have known that once he started to have feelings for Rin Matsuoka that all his emotions would come running out and ruin him

The tournament was over, and Rin had made amends with his old friends and actually got to swim a relay with them again. For once in his life he could say he was happy and not lie about it.

But right now he was being reprimanded by the captain, and Rin always found Mikoshiba annoying.

"Hey, are you even listening to me?"

"Yeah, yeah," Rin muttered.

"You know you have to do something for me because of this, right?"

Rin groans, "You can't date my sister."

"That's not what I had in mind," Mikoshiba said, "And what the hell happened with Nitori?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're his roommate, and you don't know what's going on with him? He's been a mess these past weeks."

Rin sighed, knowing exactly why Nitori was acting like that. He wanted to bring up the kiss to him, but he had no idea what to say. _Yo Nitori about that kiss, yeah we should do that more often._ Rin was never been good with words, and he didn't want to screw this up.

"He's just stressed,"

Mikoshiba raised an eyebrow, obviously not believing him, "Go talk to him."

"Captain,"

"I will drag you there if I have to,"

Rin narrowed his eyes and mumbled something about the captain being stupid and walked away. He needed to find Nitori and fix this, but first he needed someone who had a better grasp of words to help.

"Makoto, I need help."

"Sure, Rin! What's up?"

"I kissed Nitori,"

"Go Rin-chan!" Nagisa yelled.

The rest of the group was surprised, and Makoto was confused about why Rin would come to him.

"I don't know why you're coming to me for help…."

"...I kissed him and he freaked out, and we never talked about it. He won't look me in the eye anymore. I wanna tell him I like him, but I'm just going to screw up like I did before."

"Rin you can't just kiss someone and then not say anything after." Haru said.

"Look it wasn't like that-"

"Haruka-senpai is right. Why didn't you say anything?" Rei interrupted.

"If you really like him is it really that hard to say something?" Nagisa added.

"I came here for Makoto's help. I don't need your input." Rin growled.

"Just tell him how you feel!" Makoto smiled.

_No shit I have to tell him how I feel. Goddammit, Makoto._

"Rin-chan," Nagisa wrapped his arm around Rin's shoulder, "You can't just kiss Nitori and then act like it never happened. Can you imagine what's going through his mind right now? He must think you hate him or something."

Rin ran a hand through his hair; he was so stupid not to say anything, and he felt awful for doing that to Nitori.

"What are you still doing here? Go find him." Haru said.

"Good luck, Rin-chan!" Nagisa yelled as Rin left them.

Nitori had already boarded the bus and took a seat by a window. He closed his eyes and placed his forehead on the window in hopes to cool down. All he really wanted was to get back to his dorm and sleep.

"Nitori, I've been looking all over for you."

"Can we talk later, Senpai? I'm tired." Nitori closed his eyes tightly.

Rin sat down next to him and touched his arm but pulled away quickly when Nitori flinched, "We really need to talk."

No no no no I don't want to talk about this. I can't talk about this. "If it's about the kiss, I already know what you're going to say."

Rin let out a sigh of relief, "Oh thank god. I don't actually have to say it."

Nitori felt tears well up in his eyes and closed his eyes tighter to stop them from coming out, "Yeah, you don't. Now leave me alone, please."

"What's wrong? I thought-"

"Rin, just leave me alone!" Nitori shouted.

Rin was taken back a little bit but got from his seat anyway, taking a new seat towards the front of the bus.

Soon the bus filled up with the rest of the Samezuka team, and Mikoshiba made his way over to Nitori, taking a seat next to him, "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."


	5. Chapter 5

"He really needs to clean up his desk," Rin mumbled.

Nitori was in the shower (and still not talking to him which Rin was still confused about), and Rin knew that Nitori would never clean up. He thought that maybe doing something nice for his roommate would get him to talk.

"What this?" Rin asked himself; while cleaning the boys desk he found a prescription bottle in one of the drawers, "Medication?"

"Senpai!" _Ah, shit._

He turned to Nitori, "What are these?"

"It's noth-"

"Bullshit. It doesn't seem like nothing."

"Anxiety medication." Nitori answered, and he felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest.

Something clicked in Rin's mind; that night he kissed Nitori...it all made sense now, and when Mikoshiba said Nitori was a mess...shit he messed up.

"It's empty," Rin pointed out.

"I-I have it under control."

"Under control? Nitori, have you looked at yourself lately? You obviously don't have it under control!" Rin yelled.

Nitori closed his eyes tightly, "You have no right to yell at me! Ever since you kissed me-I know you don't like me like that. It was stupid of me to think that I could have someone like you, but don't you dare yell at me. Don't yell at me, please."

Rin wrapped his arms around his roommate and pressed kisses on Nitori's face, "Nitori, I-"

"I don't need your pity."

"Ai," He cradled Nitori's face in his hands and brushed his lips against his, "I'm sorry I've made you like this. I'm sorry I gave you the impression that I don't like you. Ai, I like you so much."

Nitori started to shake his head, "Senpai-"

"No, don't," Rin whispered against Nitori's lips before kissing him.

Nitori grabbed the front of Rin's shirt and started to kiss back with just as much intensity as Rin was. Rin moved his hands to Nitori's hips, moving him towards Rin's bunk. He slipped his tongue into the younger boy's mouth; Nitori moaned and ran his fingers through Rin's hair.

"Ai, you have no idea what you do to me." Rin kissed his next slowly and his hands made their ways up Nitori's shirt, stroking his sides.

"R-Rin!" He moaned as Rin started to bite and suck on his neck.

"I'm sorry for what I made you feel." Rin said between pecks on Nitori's lips.

Nitori was about to speak, but Rin shushed him by pushing him onto the bunk. He removed his and Nitori's shirt and continued to kiss him.

"Let me take care of you."

Nitori nodded, and he wrapped his arms around Rin's neck and brought him closer.


	6. Chapter 6

**Please read the A/N at the end! Thank you!**

When Nitori woke up he was confused; when he looked up he was met with the bottom of his bunk and there were arms wrapped around his waist. He yawned and turned over to cuddle into the chest of the other person, instantly feeling warmth. When he realized what he done he opened his eyes and tried to get to remove himself from the embrace.

_Is that Rin? Holy shit I slept with Rin. No no no no-_

"Nitori, babe, it's too early to get up," Rin mumbled, tugging Nitori to his chest.

"Senpai-"

"You're calling me Senpai after what happened last night?" Rin pressed kisses to the hickies left on Nitori's neck and shoulder.

"Um," Nitori said nervously, "We should really get out of bed."

"It's the weekend, and we're staying in bed." A kiss is placed on Nitori's doesn't fall back asleep; he puts his forehead against Nitori's.

"Senpai…" Their lips are so close that when Nitori speaks his lips moved against Rin's.

Rin kissed him softly, a hand going behind Nitori's head and the other resting on his hip. Nitori rested his hands on Rin's chest and deepened the kiss. Memories of last night are replayed in Nitori's mind and he can't help but moan as he remembered just how Rin handled him and made him feel _so_ good. Rin's fingers against his skin and his mouth marking him all over his body, even his thighs, and Nitori wanted more of that. _So much more._

"I want to help you." Rin pulled away and placed a kiss on Nitori's beauty mark.

"Huh?"

"Look," Rin blushed, "I can't say I know how I feel, but I want to make sure you get help. I mean what I said last night, okay? I like you a lot, and that means all of you."

"I don't need help." Nitori muttered, "I'm fine now."

"I don't think anxiety goes away over night."

Nitori buried his head into Rin's chest, "Yeah, I guess it doesn't. But-"

"Ai, you've been a wreck, and I just want you to be okay."

"I am okay, Senpai. I just...I feel like a failure, I guess. I have to be medicated because I can't deal with certain things, and it's just so stupid."

"You got help though. You got help and tried to get it under control. I don't think that's failure, Ai."

"I'll go,"

Rin smiled, wrapping his arms around Nitori. They just laid there for a good portion of the morning enjoying each other's company with kisses and sweet words.

_"I'm glad you came to see me before it got any worse, Aiichiro."_

_"I wasn't going to but my boyfriend convinced me that it was the best thing to do."_

_She smiled, "Well I'm glad he did. Now this new medication is one that you take everyday. There are some side effects that you should be aware of."_

_"Side effects?" _

_"You might feel tired, and be a bit clumsy. Also there's a chance you might feel depressed from time to time, but in my opinion the positives outweigh the negatives."_

_"A-And what should I do if I feel these side effects?"_

_She grabbed Nitori's shaking hands, "I'm sure your boyfriend and your friends will be more than willing to help you through it."_

_"Y-Yeah."_

_"Medicine isn't forever, Aiichiro. I know it may seem like it now, but medicine won't control your life forever. I'm not going to lie to you and say this medicine is going to make you feel 100%. You're going to feel horrible for the first couple of months, but just put it through your head that this won't last forever. You're going to have your ups and downs, but there will be a time where you won't need to be medicated. "_

_"I just don't know how to get through the downs."_

_"No one ever does, but that's okay. You might feel that you're only getting by because of this medication, and you're just some robot. Just realize that it isn't true. Aiichiro, you'll be fine."_

_He wasn't sure that he'd be okay but he smiled and thanked her._

**_A/N: _****When I first went to see my neurologist, she told me that medicine wasn't forever. I'm never had anyone tell me that before, and it was such a weird thing to hear you know? But it's true, medicine isn't forever. I know it might seem like it right now, but there will be a time where you won't have to be educated anymore. Everyone has their up and downs, and I know how hard it is to deal with the downs. They are so hard to get through, but there is always someone to talk to. The downs suck, but getting through it makes the ups that much times it doesn't feel like everything is going to be okay, but it will be. It might not be today, or tomorrow...it might take years but you'll be okay. You can get through it.**

**Hope you enjoyed the chapter everyone, sorry it's so short.**


	7. Chapter 7

"Just because we aren't in the same room," Rin said said between kisses, "Doesn't mean we won't see each other . We'll still have practice, and you can come to my dorm whenever. I'll kick out Sousuke."

"Mhm," Nitori hummed, running his hand through Rin's hair bringing him closer to him.

"Ai, you're gonna make it hard for me to leave."

"That's the point." Rin laughed and placed his hands on Ai's ass, giving it a squeeze, and backed them up against Nitori's bunk.

"Nitori-senpai, Nitori-senpai! We're roomm- oh."

Nitori looks up from his position on the bed, "Momo, what are you doing here?"

"Did I forget to tell you? He's your new roommate." Rin smirked, getting off Nitori. He patted Momo on the back, "Take care of him, yeah?"

"Yeah!" Momo smiled and waved as Rin left to go to his own dorm, "So...you and Rin-senpai?"

Nitori blushed and buried his head into his pillow, "Maybe,"

Momo laughed and then started to go on about Gou.

_You don't want to be surpassed by a first year_

The words that Rin said to him haunted him; it was true that Nitori wasn't the best swimmer on the team, and even when he did try his hardest it was never good enough.

Swimming with Rin was something that he wanted to keep doing, but there was no way he could continue it if he didn't improve his time. There was no way Nitori would let a first year surpass him.

Still, the thought of letting that happen made his chest tighten. Things had gotten better for him, his new medicine doing what the other couldn't, but there were still some instances that still made him lose his breath and press his head in between his knees until his tears stopped and his breath evened out.

And the side effects...sometimes Nitori thought the medicine wasn't worth it. There were days where he didn't want to get out of bed. He would rather sleep then face the outside world; Rin would have to coax Nitori out of bed with soft pecks and promises of going out on a date or doing other things together, and half the time that didn't get Nitori out of bed. Nitori was surprised Rin didn't leave him.

"You should be with someone who has their mental health intact." Nitori had said to Rin one morning.

"I'll be here for you for whatever you go through," Rin placed a kiss on his forehead, "You're stuck with me."

"I like the sound of that."

"Yeah, me too."

How was he supposed to talk to Rin about this? Rin was busy with his captain duties and preparing for college, and the last the thing Nitori wanted to do was bother him.

_I could always ask Momo? Asking a first year for help wouldn't look good... What about Yamazaki-senpai? He's kinda scary though..._

"Maybe I should just quit swimming." Nitori mumbled to himself.

"Did you say something, Nitori-senpai?" Momo looked over at his roommate.

"Oh, no, I didn't say anything. I'm gonna go out for a jog." Nitori quickly grabbed his swimsuit and hurried out the door before Momo could say anything back.

Nitori hadn't realized how long he had been swimming, and he didn't care, either. He didn't care how many laps he had done or how his legs were just a ache a little; all he cared about was improving his time and proving to the team (mostly Rin) that he could be a great swimmer.

"You should probably call it a night ."

Nitori stopped swimming when he noticed Rin sitting on the edge, "I'm almost done. Just a few more."

Rin shook his head, "Momo called me and said that you went out for jog almost an hour ago, and he was starting to get worried. C'mon, let's go."

"Let me just swim a few more laps and I'll get out."

Rin sighed as Nitori started swimming again, "You're gonna overwork yourself ."

Nitori didn't care. He'd pass out from exhaustion of he had too; he just needed to prove to Rin that he could make the relay team. Maybe if he made the team the anxiety would go away. He wouldn't have to be looked down at, and Rin wouldn't be stuck with someone weak. He'd become strong so Rin wouldn't have to baby him all the time. Maybe the fear of losing Rin and being replaced by Momo or some else would go away and everything would be okay.

He was doing this for Rin, and he didn't care what it did to him. Rin was more important anyway.


End file.
